It’s time for a w(h)ine

“God, she’s funny” – Jilly Cooper

‘Oh, for f*ck’s sake’ muttered Claire under her breath, as she opened the fridge to see what she could find for a no effort dinner. The children continued to fight behind her. They regarded any form of fish not encased in breadcrumbs as toxic, and were resistant enough to the delicious homemade fishfingers Claire had made for them, insisting they much preferred Captain Birdseye’s version. White wine was starting to look like quite an appealing dinner actually.  Maybe just a small glass.

‘Are you having wine, Mum?  You know you’re not supposed to have wine every night.  We did about alcohol units at school.  That’s quite a big glass of wine, how many units do you think are in it?’

’Bet the bastards didn’t tell you that wine is remarkably good at cancelling out whining though, did they?’ muttered Claire.

Claire’s family has gone nuclear. Her precious moppets keep calling Childline when she feeds them broccoli, she’s utterly Ottolenghied out at weekends, and her darling husband is having an affair with her best friend.

The question isn’t whether she needs a glass of wine, but is there one big enough?

Enter the Sauvignon Sisterhood, a new set of friends brought together by a shared love of liquid therapy. Together they might just be able to convince Claire that, like a good bottle of red, life really can get better with age. Or at least there’s more to it than the joy of an M&S non-iron school uniform.

No.1 bestselling author Gill Sims is back with her eagerly awaited fourth and final Why Mummy novel.

I just wanted them to stop wittering at me, eat vegetables without complaining, let me go to the loo in peace and learn to make a decent gin and tonic.  

It genuinely never occurred to me when they were little that this would ever end – an eternity of Teletubbies and Duplo and In The Night Bastarding Garden and screaming, never an end in sight.  But now there is.  And despite the busybody old women who used to pop up whenever I was having a bad day and tell me I would miss these days when they were over, I don’t miss those days at all.

I have literally never stood wistfully in the supermarket and thought ‘Oh, how I wish someone was trailing behind me constantly whining ‘Mummy, can I have, Mummy can I have?’ while another precious moppet tries to climb out the trolley so they land on their head and we end up in A&E.  
AGAIN.

Mummy has been a wife and mother for so long that she’s a little bit lost. And despite her best efforts, her precious moppets still don’t know the location of the laundry basket, the difference between being bored and being hungry, or that saying ‘I can’t find it Mummy’ is not the same as actually looking for it!

Amidst the chaos of A-Levels and driving tests, she’s doing her best to keep her family afloat, even if everybody is set on drifting off in different directions, and that one of those directions is to make yet another bloody snack. She’s feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated, and the only thing that Mummy knows for sure is that the bigger the kids, the bigger the drink.

Reader reviews for Why Mummy’s Sloshed

‘Utterly brilliant’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
‘Gill Sims never fails to make me laugh out loud’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
‘I fell in love with Gill Sims razor-sharp wit’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
‘I just adore this series’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
‘Ellen is the single most relatable character in any book’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
‘Devastated the series is finished’ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Family begins with a capital eff.

I’m wondering how many more f*cking ‘phases’ I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me ‘it’s just a phase!’ for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is ‘just a phase.’ Potty training and the associated accidents ‘is just a phase’. The tantrums of the terrible twos are ‘just a phase’. The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1pm without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All ‘just phases!’ When do the ‘phases’ end though? WHEN?
 
Mummy dreams of a quirky rural cottage with roses around the door and chatty chickens in the garden. Life, as ever, is not going quite as she planned. Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly rambunctious, rather than merely chatty, and the roses have jaggy thorns. Her precious moppets are now giant teenagers, and instead of wittering at her about who would win in a fight – a dragon badger or a ninja horse – they are Snapchatting the night away, stropping around the tiny cottage and communicating mainly in grunts – except when they are demanding Ellen provides taxi services in the small hours. And there is never, but never, any milk in the house. At least the one thing they can all agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog may indeed be The Ugliest Dog in the World, but he is also the loveliest.

The hilarious second novel, and Sunday Times No 1 Bestseller, from author of the smash hit Why Mummy Drinks.

Monday, 25 July
The first day of the holidays. I suppose it could’ve been worse. I brightly announced that perhaps it might be a lovely idea to go to a stately home and learn about some history. As soon as we got there I remembered why I don’t use the flipping National Trust membership – because National Trust properties are full of very precious and breakable items, and very precious and breakable items don’t really mix with children, especially not small boys.
Where I had envisaged childish faces glowing with wonder as they took in the treasures of our nation’s illustrious past, we instead had me shouting ‘Don’t touch, DON’T TOUCH, FFS DON’T TOUCH!” while stoutly shod pensioners tutted disapprovingly and drafted angry letters to the Daily Mail in their heads.
How many more days of the holiday are there?

Welcome to Mummy’s world…
The Boy Child Peter is connected to his iPad by an umbilical cord, The Girl Child Jane is desperate to make her fortune as an Instagram lifestyle influencer, while Daddy is constantly off on exotic business trips…
Mummy’s marriage is feeling the strain, her kids are running wild and the house is steadily developing a forest of mould. Only Judgy, the Proud and Noble Terrier, remains loyal as always.
Mummy has also found herself a new challenge, working for a hot new tech start-up. But not only is she worrying if, at forty-two, she could actually get up off a bean bag with dignity, she’s also somehow (accidentally) rebranded herself as a single party girl who works hard, plays hard and doesn’t have to run out when the nanny calls in sick.
Can Mummy keep up the facade while keeping her family afloat? Can she really get away with wearing ‘comfy trousers’ to work? And, more importantly, can she find the time to pour herself a large G+T?
Probably effing not.

The smash hit Sunday Times bestseller.

Tuesday 8th September
First day back at school. I am going to 100% nail being a school mummy this year. I can totally do this. Yes, this year is definitely going to be much better – I am absolutely not going to shout at the children, let them stuff their faces with crisps or goggle away on the iPad. And I most certainly will not slump on the sofa at the end of the day, glugging wine and muttering ‘FML’ repeatedly.

Unfortunately I have not yet actually managed to buy the bento boxes for their lunches or book jiu jitsu lessons, and I will have to learn to like green tea, as it is foul, and I have not yet mastered French plaits, but I am quietly confident that these are mere details in my grand master plan…

It is Mummy’s 39th birthday. She is staring down the barrel of a future of people asking if she wants to come to their advanced yoga classes, and polite book clubs where everyone claims to be tiddly after a glass of Pinot Grigio and says things like ‘Oooh gosh, are you having another glass?’

But Mummy does not want to go quietly into that good night of women with sensible haircuts who ‘live for their children’ and stand in the playground trying to trump each other with their offspring’s extracurricular activities and achievements, and boasting about their latest holidays.

Instead, she clutches a large glass of wine, muttering ‘FML’ over and over again. Until she remembers the gem of an idea she’s had…

Jetzt ist Mami dran!

Mami ist begeistert! Aus Peter und Jane sind junge Erwachsene geworden, die nicht mehr wie zwei ausgehungerte Hyänen auf der Suche nach dem nächsten Snack den Kühlschrank plündern und alles ›voll peinlich‹ finden, was Ellen macht. Anstatt fluchend hinter ihnen her zu räumen und gegen den Schlechte-Laune-Teenager-Wahnsinn anzukämpfen, kann Mami es sich endlich mal wieder mit einem gut gefüllten Glas Pino Grigio auf dem Sofa gemütlich machen. Doch so richtig will sich das befreiende Gefühl nicht einstellen. Wie ging das noch mal, Zeit für sich haben? Während Mami damit beschäftigt ist, sich wieder selbst zu finden und dem neuen attraktiven Nachbarn Avancen zu machen, hat sie in der Arbeit mit Umstrukturierungen zu kämpfen, und Simon nervt mit seiner neuen Freundin. Verunsichert blickt sie in eine einsame Zukunft, in der ihr Rat und ihre Fürsorge nicht mehr gebraucht werden. Oder vielleicht doch?

»Absolut lesenswert.« Welt am Sonntag über Mami braucht ´nen Drink

»Sehr unterhaltsam!« DONNA über Mami braucht ´nen Drink

Hilfe, sie pubertieren!

Simon ist fremdgegangen! Enttäuscht zieht Ellen mit ihren anstrengenden Pubertieren aufs Land – schließlich hat sie immer schon von einem Häuschen im Grünen geträumt. Doch die ländliche Idylle hält nicht, was sie verspricht, und für ihre beiden süßen Kleinen – beide im Dauer-schlechte-Laune-Teenager-Modus – ist die neue Situation auch nicht gerade einfach. Da kann man Mami schon mal auf Instagram blockieren und sich ein unerlaubtes Bauchnabel-Piercing zulegen. Oder sich auf Partys betrinken ... Ellen kommt ins Grübeln. Vielleicht sollte sie Simon doch noch eine Chance geben, den Kindern zuliebe? Mitten in diesem Gefühlschaos erleidet ihr Vater einen Herzinfarkt. Ein echtes Katastrophenjahr nimmt seinen Lauf, und alles, was Ellen bleibt, sind ihre Freunde, ihr Fatalismus – und ihr unerschütterlicher Humor. 

»Absolut lesenswert.« Welt am Sonntag über Mami braucht ‘nen Drink

»Sehr unterhaltsam!« DONNA über Mami braucht ‘nen Drink

Mami braucht ‘nen Drink – jetzt erst recht!

Der Alptraum aller Eltern – der Beginn der Schulferien. Statt in der Sonne zu liegen, ein Buch zu lesen – neben sich ein schönes kühles Glas Pinot Grigio –, muss Mami ihre zwei gelangweilten Lieblinge bei Laune halten. Panisch meldet sie die Kinder bei Sportfreizeiten und anderen Betreuungsangeboten an und muss sich trotzdem andauernd bei der Arbeit abmelden. Mami ist erschöpft. Aber das ist erst der Anfang …
Nachdem eine unangenehm hilfsbereite Nachbarin Mami überredet hat, sich doch auch im Elternbeirat zu engagieren, muss sie die Schulweihnachtsfeier organisieren und es dabei allen anderen Eltern rechtmachen – ein Ding der Unmöglichkeit. Als dann auch noch ihr Vater mit seiner neuen (deutlich jüngeren) Flamme anrückt und ihre egozentrische Mutter die Aufmerksamkeit ihrer Tochter einfordert, hat Mami gar keine Verschnaufpause mehr. Kann es noch schlimmer kommen?

DAS NEUE TAGEBUCH EINER ERSCHÖPFTEN MUTTER – WITZIG, EHRLICH BEFREIEND!

»Absolut lesenswert.« Welt am Sonntag über Mami braucht ‘nen Drink

»Sehr unterhaltsam!« DONNA über Mami braucht ‘nen Drink

»Perfekter Lesestoff für alle Mamis!« The Sun über Mami braucht ‘nen Drink